Am drowning. I try to stay afloat but I get so weak. I don't know how I got into the water because am not a swimmer. I just found myself deep in the waters and far away from the shore. I tried calling out, but my voice was too weak. Only a deep guttural sound came out. I tried waving, but something was pulling my hands down and they had become too heavy for me to carry.
It's melancholic. It's a feeling I cannot even explain to myself. It's a deep feeling of gloom and my whole body is shaking. I can't tend to get out of it easily. My thoughts are jumbled and sometimes no thoughts are there.
I get to destinations without having a clue as to how I got there. I am standing outside the grocery store but I noticed no one or nothing on my way. My plate is empty but I cannot describe the taste or smell of the food. I wake up in the middle of the night with tears on my chick but I have no Idea why my dream self is crying. Am reading a book and halfway through I realize I cannot tell what I was reading even in one sentence. Am standing at a bust stop and suddenly time seems to have stopped. Am listening to a friend only to realize I have no idea what they have been mumbling about for the last 2 minutes.
I feel lost. Lost because my thoughts have taken over, I think. It's not supposed to be this hard. It's not supposed to be this difficult to comprehend what am feeling. My heart is heavy and I need someone to pull me out before I drown. But how do I explain to them my feelings, my thoughts and my fears without feeling detached.
It's like something snaps at some point in my life and makes me travel to a world I myself know not about. When am back from my travels, my heavy heart threatens to tear my soul out. It becomes too heavy to carry and I just wallow in the deep waters. I struggle to stay afloat and hope the answers will provide themselves. I want to drown at times because maybe when I do, I will get to understand this feeling. This thing that makes me sad for no particular reason.
I wish I could give it a name. But I don't have one in mind and maybe it wouldn't be befitting. What name would best describe a feeling you cannot explain? What name would best describe something that changes your joy to sadness in the flash of a second? what name? None. None can explain it. None would be right.
Maybe it's midlife crisis. Maybe it's the fear of a future I know not about. Maybe it's just my heart reacting to life's bullshit. Maybe it's my heart reacting to the unknown. Maybe I will drown. Maybe I will swim out. Maybe I will be stuck on the surface. Or maybe my night in shinning armor will save me. But save me from what? The unknown? Myself? Maybe...just maybe.
It's melancholic. It's a feeling I cannot even explain to myself. It's a deep feeling of gloom and my whole body is shaking. I can't tend to get out of it easily. My thoughts are jumbled and sometimes no thoughts are there.
I get to destinations without having a clue as to how I got there. I am standing outside the grocery store but I noticed no one or nothing on my way. My plate is empty but I cannot describe the taste or smell of the food. I wake up in the middle of the night with tears on my chick but I have no Idea why my dream self is crying. Am reading a book and halfway through I realize I cannot tell what I was reading even in one sentence. Am standing at a bust stop and suddenly time seems to have stopped. Am listening to a friend only to realize I have no idea what they have been mumbling about for the last 2 minutes.
I feel lost. Lost because my thoughts have taken over, I think. It's not supposed to be this hard. It's not supposed to be this difficult to comprehend what am feeling. My heart is heavy and I need someone to pull me out before I drown. But how do I explain to them my feelings, my thoughts and my fears without feeling detached.
It's like something snaps at some point in my life and makes me travel to a world I myself know not about. When am back from my travels, my heavy heart threatens to tear my soul out. It becomes too heavy to carry and I just wallow in the deep waters. I struggle to stay afloat and hope the answers will provide themselves. I want to drown at times because maybe when I do, I will get to understand this feeling. This thing that makes me sad for no particular reason.
I wish I could give it a name. But I don't have one in mind and maybe it wouldn't be befitting. What name would best describe a feeling you cannot explain? What name would best describe something that changes your joy to sadness in the flash of a second? what name? None. None can explain it. None would be right.
Maybe it's midlife crisis. Maybe it's the fear of a future I know not about. Maybe it's just my heart reacting to life's bullshit. Maybe it's my heart reacting to the unknown. Maybe I will drown. Maybe I will swim out. Maybe I will be stuck on the surface. Or maybe my night in shinning armor will save me. But save me from what? The unknown? Myself? Maybe...just maybe.
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